How to Get Your Ex Back: 9 Steps To Bring You Back Together Again


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The end of any relationship can be an incredibly painful experience on both sides, filled with questions and insecurity about the future. But it doesn’t have to stay this way, if you’re willing to follow a proven process.

If you’re like me, you’ve likely wondered how to get your ex back, too — and whether winning someone back will actually be a good thing, after all. 

Just know that you’re not alone in this, because we’re here to help answer those questions.

What You Will Need Before Starting

Make sure that you’re ready these tips to getting your ex back by asking yourself these questions:

  • Are you sure that getting back with your ex is worth it?
  • Can you be patient enough to go through the steps of how to get someone back after a break-up?
  • Will you be okay if the outcome isn’t what you hoped for? Specifically, you’ll need to learn how to move on if getting back with your ex isn’t what you wanted it to be.

Please, really take some time to think about these things. It’s easy to say that you’re ready just because you’re missing your ex.

Still here for it? Then let’s continue!

Step #1: Understand Why You Split Up in the First Place

When you’re starting the process and wondering how to get back with your ex girlfriend (or how to get back with your ex boyfriend), you have to start from the breakup and work backward. 

What was the biggest problem in your relationship? Who initiated the breakup, and why did they think it was necessary?

If you can answer these questions, you’ll start to identify the problems that came between you and your ex in the first place. Once you know this, you can learn how to fix those problems together.

Step #2: Ask Yourself: Why Do You Want This?

Especially right after a breakup, thoughts of your ex getting back together with you can take a lot of forms. It’s absolutely critical at this time to be able to tell the difference between wanting your ex back and just feeling lonely.

So how can you tell whether you really want him or her back? Take more time to focus on yourself, and spend more time with your friends. If all you’re thinking about while you’re doing this is getting back with your ex, it may mean that you really do miss them… 

But if you’re not thinking about them, moving on is just a matter of time. Give it a little while, and let those feelings settle. Once you’ve got a clearer head, you’ll be able to make better decisions.

Step #3: Always Take Time First

Besides being important for helping you decide whether you really want to win back your ex, taking time apart will make the breakup feel final. This is completely necessary, as you’ll see in Step #8 (Treat it Like a New Relationship).

In our experience, you need to give any breakup at least a month before you decide whether you want your ex to get back with you. This will give both of you time to process the initial feelings of hurt and rejection. 

After that period, you can start to resolve whatever feelings you still have for each other. It’s vitally important to let things settle long enough for these feelings to start becoming clearer.

Step #4: Find Out How Your Ex is Feeling

If you’re still on speaking terms, contacting your ex after a month of time apart can give you the opportunity to see if they want to reconcile differences. Even if they are hesitant to do so at first, a little bit of gentle questioning goes a long way in opening the door for communication again.

More than anything, start small in this step! It won’t do either of you any good to immediately jump back into daily communication. 

The whole goal of this is to test the waters for whether your ex still has some feeling of wanting to get back together with you, too. 

So don’t be pushy about it, and try not to read into anything too much. Be sure that you’ve got clear signals of how your ex is really feeling before continuing.

Step #5: Work on Your Best Attributes

Do you remember the things your ex loved about you when you first met? It’s likely that through the course of your relationship, some or all of those things started to change…. And you might not be the same person that they really wanted to be with in the first place.

In this step, it’s your job to work on your health by being true to yourself. 

Remember back on all the things that really make you happy in life. Consistently engaging with those things is a huge part of what makes you enjoyable to be around — and attractive to your ex.

In particular, making sure that you’re eating well, exercising, and being kind to yourself mentally will set the foundation for building self-esteem and crushing any neediness that started to show up in your relationship.

Step #6: Go For a Casual Date

Asking your ex to go out with you for something casual and public will communicate your potential interest in getting back together. 

Keep these first few dates entirely casual, and whatever you do…. Don’t be pushy about it. Treat it like you’re dating someone new.

If you can meet somewhere that you spent great, memorable times together, it will help to subtly re-establish a deeper connection between you. This is a genuine answer to the question of how to make your ex want you back.

Step #7: It’s Time for Deeper Conversation

After you’ve been spending more time together again casually, ask your ex (in person, not over the phone) if you can go somewhere quiet to have a deeper conversation. Choose somewhere safe for both of you to express your feelings.

It’s likely that both you and your ex have lots of good memories together. Focusing on the positive things that happened in your relationship will set a good frame for the conversation. 

Once you’re on the same page, it’s time to genuinely apologize for things in the relationship that were your fault. If you’ve worked on changing that through the previous six steps, this will come from a heartfelt place of real meaning — and your ex will notice.

Step #8: Treat it like a New Relationship

At this point, you can propose what you’ve clarified wanting in the previous steps. Namely, why it is that you really want to get back together in the first place.

Start by examining more closely what about your relationship really made it worthwhile, as well as what went wrong. Then, you’ll know the areas that you have to keep in constant communication about to prevent breaking up again.

Take it slow as you start to see each other more. No matter how well you thought you knew each other before, you’ll be getting to know each other again as if it were the first time. 

Treat it like a new relationship and don’t let yourself fall into the same habits again!

Step #9: Consider Couples Counseling

At this stage, you should also consider seeking out professional help. Even if it seems like everything is going well, old problems can still lie below the surface, waiting to disrupt the progress that you’ve made together.

Couples counselors will help to keep a “safe space” for both of you to share your feelings and frustrations, as well as giving you the tools to progress with each other in a relationship. 

If it Doesn’t Work Out….

Lastly, you need to be prepared for what to do if this relationship doesn’t work out.

Any point in this step-by-step process can go wrong and lead to you and your ex not getting back together. The simple truth of things is, not every relationship is going to work out. So how are you going to deal with things if it doesn’t?

If this is the case, re-read steps 3, 5, 6, 7, and 8 — but apply them to a new relationship. Don’t let yourself get depressed thinking that your ex was the only one for you! 

Really, you just need to get back out there and start meeting new people, until you find someone truly special to work on a relationship with.


We made this tutorial because we know how much it can hurt to end a relationship that you don’t think should really be over. 

Did you find it helpful? If so, please tell us what you think in the comments, and feel free to share it with anyone else that might find it useful.

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